Five Years

I’ve recently been introduced (or reintroduced) to blue grass music. I mean, I lived in Boone for 6 years, so of course I have an appreciation for blue grass. However, it has been awhile since I have listened to it much. A dear friend took me to a Billy Strings concert a few weeks ago and it changed me somehow. Music has that kind of power when you open up to it. One song had me sobbing in a coliseum full of strangers (In the Morning Light). No one noticed or cared, which was nice. But it was a cleansing sob. The kind that actually moves you somewhere. It was a sob that allowed me to feel what I needed to feel with abandon. Without wiping it away quickly. Without having to “get myself together” as I like to say to myself.

The thing about Blue Grass is that most of the lyrics are cynical , haunting or sad. The fact that those lyrics are paired with such an uplifting, fast paced beat make it not only palatable, but transformative. It allows for realization, personalization and processing at a pace that does not allow time to stay in a dark place. The music lifts so the lyrics can go where they need to go. It has been a source of great joy for me these last few weeks. Yes, I said it. I have been joyful at times. I’ve danced while cleaning house. What a realization that you can be simultaneously sad and grief stricken and still find joy in the world. I am so thankful to have those moments of reprieve. God provides. He always provides.

Another reprieve that I have had lately is Star Wars Podracing on my kid’s playstation. It is actually just an old style game that has been rewritten for the newer game systems. There are 4 buttons involved, which is about the extent of what I can handle remembering and operating. Personally, I prefer the Atari days of a joystick and one button. Anyhow, I’ve been running the training runs and getting better. For those thirty minutes or an hour that I allow myself to play, I forget everything else. I play. I need play in my life right now and always. I don’t think I’ve played enough the last couple of years, which is kind of weird since I have an actual degree in it.

Since I have other things to help keep my mental health in a good place and because my blood results have shown a decline in my liver health, I decided to go back to a sugar free lifestyle. It is time to get rid of the sugar crutch. So I’m on day 4 of no sugar and I’m not going to lie. It’s been tough. I am a sugar addict. The first couple of days were bad, but I’m entering the phase of the journey that I feel better physically. Also, the healthy foods that I am eating are tasting very flavorful. So the good parts are starting to outweigh the cravings.

In a nutshell, I’m swimming around in new things to see where it is I land from here. I miss Gary. I have moments of crying every day. But I have a vision in my mind that I want him to see me happy. I don’t want him to see me crying and moping all the time. I want to BE happy for myself, but I know he wants that for me and it would make him happy. So I’m playing more and listening to blue grass. I’m eliminating the foods that make my body unhappy. I’m outside as much as I can be. I’m planning some camping trips and some concert outings. I’m moving forward in the best way I can. That’s all I know right now.

I have noticed that I am not on my A game as far as thinking is concerned. There are way more times than usual that I find myself forgetting names. I literally call my son the dog’s name at least once a day. I often walk upstairs to get something and then forget why I am walking upstairs. The other day I forgot my make-up routine. I looked at myself in the mirror and I knew something was off but it took a few minutes before I realized I had not put my mascara on! These are little things but great examples of what I am experiencing much more frequently. Some people refer to these kinds of lapses as “brain fog”.

I have a theory about this “brain fog” I am experiencing. I think it is “grief fog” actually that is causing me to feel so out of it. It is yet another way that my body and mind are trying to move forward. I think my mind is creating new synapse connections in my brain as I perform normal every day tasks. My brain is creating new pathways so I do things in my new reality without traveling the old pathways in my brain that unexpectedly lead me to thoughts of my husband and then the rabbit hole of missing him.

Here is an example of what I am talking about. Before Gary died, when I put my make up on in the morning, I usually cleaned up his whiskers from where he used his electric shaver or trimmed his beard the day before. The years of getting mad about it ended a long time ago. Now it was just routine to clean it up every morning. Fast forward to now, when I go to put on my make up in the mornings, the counter is clean. There are no more whiskers, etc. There is only my “new” routine of just taking care of my own business. So I get confused as my routine has been altered by Gary being gone. I forget to put on my mascara, etc. My brain is beginning to make new connections to my new routine so I can move past that old routine that reminds me of his absence.

This may all just be my logical mind making sense of early onset alzheimer’s. I have no real proof of my hypothesis, but I am going with it. Whatever it is, it is working. I’m no longer crying in the mirror every morning. So I’ll take it as a win.

Just be ok in the moments when you see me not ok.

In that same respect, my memories are bringing me more smiles than tears. I still break out in tears at least once a day, but I am also finding a lot of peace in my memories and when talking about our time together. I am healing and it’s not so raw. I never wanted pity, still do not. I just want everyone else around me to be ok with me not being ok sometimes. The waves pass and there is nothing that can be done to stop them.

Tomorrow is the big day. I’ll be having a lumpectomy in the morning. It’s a wide excision partial mastectomy. Lucky me! I have cancerous tumors that begin directly under my right nipple and extend to 9 o’clock. That is what the radiation technicians keep saying when they have marked me for several procedures. The rad seeds were implanted today to guide the surgeon and all things are set.

Tomorrow I will go to sleep as a whole person and then I will wake up and I will not be whole physically anymore. I will be scarred and I will not recognize myself naked anymore. One side will be there and the other just will be a line that resembles a crooked frown.

I’ve never considered myself a vain person. I dress for comfort, not fashion. I have my own style and I don’t really care what anyone thinks about it. I’m comfortable in my skin though I’ve never really considered myself attractive. This skin is about to rapidly change. I don’t think I’m going to be comfortable with this change right off the bat. I am not an overtly feminine personality. A major portion of my femininity is being stolen by surgery first and then hormone suppressing treatments to follow.

Change is a natural part of life.

Change in our bodies is a natural part of life. I cherish every stretch mark and that precious c-section scar that proves I brought life into this world. Other marks of age I’ve grown accustomed to with time. I know this new scar too will represent something for me that I won’t allow to be shameful. But in this moment, the night before it happens, I am mourning the loss of what cancer is taking from me.

When it is all over and done, I will admire the scar and the woman who wears it because it represents life and hope. In the end, I know it’s just a boob and I’m so much more than that. Jesus will get me there. He always does. There will be moments of doubt, like tonight. But I know where my strength lies and it is not within myself. This mess I’ve been going on about is all me. My fear, my insecurity, my doubts are so many. He hears my cry and He gives me peace and rest. I love you so much Jesus. Thanks for saving me… continually.

All Hallow’s Eve is upon us again. The time for sugar comas, costumes, trunk or treats, trick or treating, scary movie marathons, haunted houses and all things creepy and unnerving. Halloween can be a struggle for a lot of Christians and it is easy to throw it to the wayside and not participate. I can totally relate to the reasons why and it is so important that we guard our hearts. But I have some different and unorthodox ideas about the subject.

This is why I celebrate Halloween

I believe in balance. Anything taken too far in one direction will do harm. In my estimation, Halloween is the last remaining holiday where total strangers come by my house to say hi. It’s the only time of year I get to see happy little faces dressed up in princess dresses, or Ninja costumes, or witches or zombies. OMG! They are so cute! And the teenagers! Don’t get me started! They are SO creative with their costumes! The creepy dolls and the great makeup artist attempts are just insane. Some do not dress up and I give them candy also because I am glad they came to visit too.

No rules for Trick or Treating.

There are no published rules for trick or treating. Many people make up arbitrary rules such as there is some kind of age limit and you have to be in costume. I treat it like Jesus would… All are welcome. I sit in my chair outside each year with every kind of chocolate candy and a basket of gluten/peanut free candy to share with these wonderful people who come to visit me. I play creepy sounds and music and decorate my porch so that they know “That lady has candy!” and it will be worth the walk up to my house.

I ask each of them questions about their costumes with a smile. I ask each why they like the candy they picked. They always answer. Most are polite and are very happy that someone took interest. As they leave I send them off with a blessing. It’s love. It’s that simple. I love them. I am so glad they came to visit. I hope they come again next year.

“Fear is the path to the dark side.”

It is very important that we guard our hearts from evil. It truly does exist in this world. Evil is around us every day and not on one singular day. As Yoda once said, “Fear is the path to the dark side.” Decisions made from fear are where evil takes root. Jesus compels us to choose love… every … single… time. No exceptions.

I made the choice to be a loving host on Halloween years ago. It is the one time of year that my door bell rings or there is a knock. I do not want to miss Jesus if he chooses to knock on Halloween. I am a follower of Christ. I choose to love on this holiday as every other day. But on this day, I get to show a lot more people that God loves them than I normally do!