Changes

Tomorrow is the big day. I’ll be having a lumpectomy in the morning. It’s a wide excision partial mastectomy. Lucky me! I have cancerous tumors that begin directly under my right nipple and extend to 9 o’clock. That is what the radiation technicians keep saying when they have marked me for several procedures. The rad seeds were implanted today to guide the surgeon and all things are set.

Tomorrow I will go to sleep as a whole person and then I will wake up and I will not be whole physically anymore. I will be scarred and I will not recognize myself naked anymore. One side will be there and the other just will be a line that resembles a crooked frown.

I’ve never considered myself a vain person. I dress for comfort, not fashion. I have my own style and I don’t really care what anyone thinks about it. I’m comfortable in my skin though I’ve never really considered myself attractive. This skin is about to rapidly change. I don’t think I’m going to be comfortable with this change right off the bat. I am not an overtly feminine personality. A major portion of my femininity is being stolen by surgery first and then hormone suppressing treatments to follow.

Change is a natural part of life.

Change in our bodies is a natural part of life. I cherish every stretch mark and that precious c-section scar that proves I brought life into this world. Other marks of age I’ve grown accustomed to with time. I know this new scar too will represent something for me that I won’t allow to be shameful. But in this moment, the night before it happens, I am mourning the loss of what cancer is taking from me.

When it is all over and done, I will admire the scar and the woman who wears it because it represents life and hope. In the end, I know it’s just a boob and I’m so much more than that. Jesus will get me there. He always does. There will be moments of doubt, like tonight. But I know where my strength lies and it is not within myself. This mess I’ve been going on about is all me. My fear, my insecurity, my doubts are so many. He hears my cry and He gives me peace and rest. I love you so much Jesus. Thanks for saving me… continually.