I’m in that uncomfortable space in between. I hate that place. It’s nowhere really. That place between being diagnosed with cancer and really knowing or doing anything about it. I’ve been here in this nowhere place for going on 3 weeks. Likely I’ll be here another 2 to 3 weeks more, maybe longer.
I like going somewhere. I’m a visionary at heart and I like to look forward. Except I can’t see very far ahead right now. The big C is blocking my view! I know surgery will happen soon but I do not know how extensive it will be. I do not know if the cancer has spread to other parts of my body. I do not know if or what treatments will follow surgery and how long they may last. So I’m stuck here in between.
Likely because of all of the people praying for me right now, I’m oddly calm and uncharacteristically OK with the in between. I’m taking this time to appreciate and be grateful. I’ve decided to perfect the art of being present. Perhaps I’ve been too much like Luke in the Empire Strikes Back when Yoda chastises him. “All his life has he looked away…to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing.” I’ll admit it. That is me. It can be a strength and it has saved me over and over again as I have struggled with depression throughout my life. But it is a weakness as well. It leads to dissatisfaction and a lack of mindfulness that prevents me from truly living in a meaningful way moment to moment.
So standing in this space in between, I will breathe in and out and I will be grateful for my family (especially my mom and dad), and my wonderful coworkers and bosses and friends and the multitude of churches who have sent me cards, are praying for me and who are supporting me right now. I will smile at mums and pumpkins and I will ride fair rides and eat cotton candy. Lord knows I’m not gonna get cancerier! And now is certainly not the time to count calories!
