Five Years

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tag: blog

And just like that…

February 22, 2022 /

Since 2021 was a rough year, I decorated for Christmas early to lighten the mood a bit. I put the trees up the weekend after Halloween. I completed my Christmas shopping by the end of Thanksgiving weekend. The plan was to enjoy the holidays without any stress. Most of the presents were wrapped and under the tree. We even went to Mike’s Farm the day after Thanksgiving to kick the season off right! The stage was set for the best Christmas yet. Then, just like that, my life changed forever.

Dinner at Mike’s Farm November 26th, 2021.

Just when you think you have it all together…

Gary, my husband, started not feeling well the weekend after Thanksgiving. He took an at home COVID test on November 29th and it was positive. The next day he was jaundice and weak and I talked him into going to the ER. He checked himself out against medical advice because of poor care and I was could not be with him to advocate for him. He continued to be sick and I talked him into letting me take him to REX Hospital ER. After many tests and having a CT scan, the Dr. called me into the ER to be with him. The ER doctor told us Gary had metastatic cancer of the liver, origin unknown. He wasn’t going to be healing from the COVID that we thought was the cause of his sudden jaundice. He wasn’t sick. He was dying of liver failure from a cancer we did not know existed until just at that moment.

Cancer sucks.

Still in shock from the diagnosis, we were admitted to the hospital. Seven days of testing and bad news after bad news ensued. In that seven days, the prognosis changed from 6 months to live (possibly more with chemotherapy) to being discharged into hospice care. Gary was discharged on December 9th. My husband died on December 23rd. He didn’t make it to Christmas. He didn’t make it to our 21st anniversary on January 3rd. I buried my husband on December 30th at 10am.

It means forever and that’s a mighty long time…

prince and the revolution, “Let’s go crazy”

The whole idea of this blog was really about death. 5 years is one of my favorite Bowie tunes, but it is also the threshold of time the medical community celebrates “survival” from cancer. I wanted to journal my way through my emotions and feelings in this time from my cancer diagnosis. I wanted to make my thoughts and opinions public knowledge. I wanted to write and leave something behind somehow. A slice of me to live forever on the internets of yore. It was MY death I was sort of preparing for. I never, ever thought I’d be here. Alone. Without my partner, without my children’s father, without my forever person. One of the main comforts I found when contemplating my own possible death was not having to grieve the ones I love. Never having to see them suffer, never having to go on without them. I always imagined that to be a pain that I couldn’t bear.

It turns out that it is actually way worse than I ever imagined it could be.

This picture was taken on Gary’s last good day. December 14th, 2021.

Always crashing the same car

October 12, 2019 /

This is one of my favorite Bowie songs and also a very familiar theme in my life. I too am always crashing the same car, metaphorically speaking. Often, I am too keen to repeat the same mistakes and patterns in my life. Behaviors are difficult to escape.

Last week, however, I took the theme to the literal sense and crashed my ACTUAL car. Or, rather, a deer ran into my car. Nevertheless, the car is crashed into. I am upset. My Jeep is my baby. The only new car I ever owned and it’s barely a year old. Feeling a bit devastated, not gonna lie. Actually taking this a bit worse than I did the cancer diagnosis truth be told. So, that may give you a bit of an insight as to how exactly messed up I actually am.

I like my firecracker red Jeep with the vented leather seats and moon roof. The heated steering wheel keeps my hands from turning blue (which happens regularly with my Raynaud’s disease). I like it so much that I felt more of a gut punch when the deer caused $3000 worth of damage to it than I did when I heard the nice doctor man say, you have cancer.

Lyrics from Always Crashing the Same Car – David Bowie, Low 1977

Honesty is the best policy

I promised I would be honest with this blog and this would be about me and my life and what I want to pass on to people about me. I’m a messed up person. I admit it. I do crash the same car over and over. I keep asking myself why do I put myself in situations that strain me emotionally, financially or spiritually? The answer is always the same. I’m just a sinner.

The struggle is real

On a spiritual level I know that I was not made for this world, but man have I gotten accustomed to it’s comforts. I am prideful, glutinous, lustful, envious, greedy, lazy and easy to anger. That is the heart of it. The heart of every single problem, not only in my own life but in every life I know. I need to ask forgiveness every single day. I want to be less of me and more like Christ, but the struggle is real ya’ll. I just don’t seem to put enough of those days together in a row, or even minutes of hours if we are being totally honest.

Fortunately I grew up in a family that is so rich in Christian heritage. I think it seeped into my bones somehow. I gave my life to Christ as a 9 year old and at that age I was so open to really listen to the still small voice. It shaped me in such a way that even when I was older and began to question the specifics of my beliefs, I knew no matter what I did or how I messed up, Jesus would be there for me. He would cover me.

Better and brighter

So, I’m still always crashing this same car, and He is there every single time to pick up the pieces and make it better and brighter. He knows I’m going to crash it again, and He still makes beauty out of my mistakes when I call on him to rescue me yet again. I’m so thankful for that. I wish I could successfully explain the security I have in that to my kids. Maybe some day they will read this and they will get it. I pray every single day that each of you experiences this security and love if you have not already.

Blessings and Peace

Spaces in between

September 26, 2019 /

I’m in that uncomfortable space in between. I hate that place. It’s nowhere really. That place between being diagnosed with cancer and really knowing or doing anything about it. I’ve been here in this nowhere place for going on 3 weeks. Likely I’ll be here another 2 to 3 weeks more, maybe longer.

I like going somewhere. I’m a visionary at heart and I like to look forward. Except I can’t see very far ahead right now. The big C is blocking my view! I know surgery will happen soon but I do not know how extensive it will be. I do not know if the cancer has spread to other parts of my body. I do not know if or what treatments will follow surgery and how long they may last. So I’m stuck here in between.

Likely because of all of the people praying for me right now, I’m oddly calm and uncharacteristically OK with the in between. I’m taking this time to appreciate and be grateful. I’ve decided to perfect the art of being present. Perhaps I’ve been too much like Luke in the Empire Strikes Back when Yoda chastises him. “All his life has he looked away…to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing.” I’ll admit it. That is me. It can be a strength and it has saved me over and over again as I have struggled with depression throughout my life. But it is a weakness as well. It leads to dissatisfaction and a lack of mindfulness that prevents me from truly living in a meaningful way moment to moment.

So standing in this space in between, I will breathe in and out and I will be grateful for my family (especially my mom and dad), and my wonderful coworkers and bosses and friends and the multitude of churches who have sent me cards, are praying for me and who are supporting me right now. I will smile at mums and pumpkins and I will ride fair rides and eat cotton candy. Lord knows I’m not gonna get cancerier! And now is certainly not the time to count calories!

Maybe not a Jedi, but a fighter.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 103 other subscribers

© 2025 Five Years

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑