This is one of my favorite Bowie songs and also a very familiar theme in my life. I too am always crashing the same car, metaphorically speaking. Often, I am too keen to repeat the same mistakes and patterns in my life. Behaviors are difficult to escape.
Last week, however, I took the theme to the literal sense and crashed my ACTUAL car. Or, rather, a deer ran into my car. Nevertheless, the car is crashed into. I am upset. My Jeep is my baby. The only new car I ever owned and it’s barely a year old. Feeling a bit devastated, not gonna lie. Actually taking this a bit worse than I did the cancer diagnosis truth be told. So, that may give you a bit of an insight as to how exactly messed up I actually am.
I like my firecracker red Jeep with the vented leather seats and moon roof. The heated steering wheel keeps my hands from turning blue (which happens regularly with my Raynaud’s disease). I like it so much that I felt more of a gut punch when the deer caused $3000 worth of damage to it than I did when I heard the nice doctor man say, you have cancer.
Honesty is the best policy
I promised I would be honest with this blog and this would be about me and my life and what I want to pass on to people about me. I’m a messed up person. I admit it. I do crash the same car over and over. I keep asking myself why do I put myself in situations that strain me emotionally, financially or spiritually? The answer is always the same. I’m just a sinner.
The struggle is real
On a spiritual level I know that I was not made for this world, but man have I gotten accustomed to it’s comforts. I am prideful, glutinous, lustful, envious, greedy, lazy and easy to anger. That is the heart of it. The heart of every single problem, not only in my own life but in every life I know. I need to ask forgiveness every single day. I want to be less of me and more like Christ, but the struggle is real ya’ll. I just don’t seem to put enough of those days together in a row, or even minutes of hours if we are being totally honest.
Fortunately I grew up in a family that is so rich in Christian heritage. I think it seeped into my bones somehow. I gave my life to Christ as a 9 year old and at that age I was so open to really listen to the still small voice. It shaped me in such a way that even when I was older and began to question the specifics of my beliefs, I knew no matter what I did or how I messed up, Jesus would be there for me. He would cover me.
Better and brighter
So, I’m still always crashing this same car, and He is there every single time to pick up the pieces and make it better and brighter. He knows I’m going to crash it again, and He still makes beauty out of my mistakes when I call on him to rescue me yet again. I’m so thankful for that. I wish I could successfully explain the security I have in that to my kids. Maybe some day they will read this and they will get it. I pray every single day that each of you experiences this security and love if you have not already.
Blessings and Peace
