I have noticed that I am not on my A game as far as thinking is concerned. There are way more times than usual that I find myself forgetting names. I literally call my son the dog’s name at least once a day. I often walk upstairs to get something and then forget why I am walking upstairs. The other day I forgot my make-up routine. I looked at myself in the mirror and I knew something was off but it took a few minutes before I realized I had not put my mascara on! These are little things but great examples of what I am experiencing much more frequently. Some people refer to these kinds of lapses as “brain fog”.
I have a theory about this “brain fog” I am experiencing. I think it is “grief fog” actually that is causing me to feel so out of it. It is yet another way that my body and mind are trying to move forward. I think my mind is creating new synapse connections in my brain as I perform normal every day tasks. My brain is creating new pathways so I do things in my new reality without traveling the old pathways in my brain that unexpectedly lead me to thoughts of my husband and then the rabbit hole of missing him.
Here is an example of what I am talking about. Before Gary died, when I put my make up on in the morning, I usually cleaned up his whiskers from where he used his electric shaver or trimmed his beard the day before. The years of getting mad about it ended a long time ago. Now it was just routine to clean it up every morning. Fast forward to now, when I go to put on my make up in the mornings, the counter is clean. There are no more whiskers, etc. There is only my “new” routine of just taking care of my own business. So I get confused as my routine has been altered by Gary being gone. I forget to put on my mascara, etc. My brain is beginning to make new connections to my new routine so I can move past that old routine that reminds me of his absence.
This may all just be my logical mind making sense of early onset alzheimer’s. I have no real proof of my hypothesis, but I am going with it. Whatever it is, it is working. I’m no longer crying in the mirror every morning. So I’ll take it as a win.
Just be ok in the moments when you see me not ok.
In that same respect, my memories are bringing me more smiles than tears. I still break out in tears at least once a day, but I am also finding a lot of peace in my memories and when talking about our time together. I am healing and it’s not so raw. I never wanted pity, still do not. I just want everyone else around me to be ok with me not being ok sometimes. The waves pass and there is nothing that can be done to stop them.
